Spring is here again and many of us will go to the stores with a dangerous purpose: finding a swim suit. With our pasty bodies in those dreadful fitting rooms. Being over 40 makes matters worse. The text you are about to read is a fun article which was sent to me by a friend. I have no idea who wrote it but it killed me laughing. I have published it a couple of times before, but because it is so hilarious and because I have been otherwise engaged, I am posting it again. For those faithful readers who have read it before, sorry… but I hope it will make you laugh once more. Kindly illustrated by Anja (see her travel blog Curly Traveller).
Quoting the writer of this fun story:
When I was a child in the 1950′s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, “Material might become transparent in water.”
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I’m there too, I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You’d better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
Be strong ladies. And don’t give up.
Oh! That’s such a cute post dear! I know this struggle is real.
Adi xx | http://www.fancycorrectitude.com
I have read it at least 10 times and I still laugh when I read about the struggle in the fitting room.
Fluorescent rubber bands. LOL. I am pretty thin but I always wear a sarong on the beach. ..
Transparent in the water! OMG. No way. ..
I will stay with my bikini that is 22 years old. A tunic and a sarong will do nicely —
And yes I am laughing and laughing.
I wear a 1 piece costume. Having a small bust and larger hips 2 pieces roll up or are too minute.
Regards – Jill stylishatsixty
For some reason I still think a bikini suits me best. But then again I always say that a mirror gives you your perception not your reflection haha.
I assume she nailed it as I have NOT PURCHASED a BATHING SUIT IN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE your sense of humor!!!
It is a “stolen” story, but soooo funny.
Oh I HATE bathing suit shopping. I’m “hard to fit” according to the very nice sales woman who was determined to help me find something I liked. I’ll only shop for bathing suits when the old one is falling apart.
“You are hard to fit”??? Well that sales lady won’t be selling much. Although you do say she was a very nice sales woman.
Oh this was such a cute read Greetje – I so relate to this…in fact I have given up trying on bathing suits until I get a tan again… actually I think there should be a law against women trying on bathing suits whilst pasty and white as it’s simply bound to depress – hehehe!!!
Maybe your new suit won’t be too see-through – try it out in the shower first 😉
You do know it wasn’t me in the story, right?
Yes I do sorry I should have written the comment re shower to the author of the story 😉 It’s Mondayitus…
mwhaha, so true! and so hilarious to read about it!.
I’m pretty familiar with that feeling of “looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia”, ;DDDD
I have had some chats with other matured women (including my mom) about how ridiculous are bikinis for us (even worse for plus sized ladies like me!). But we keep on trying on bikinis every season (and wearing them!!)
I know. I keep wearing a bikini as well. Luckily when you get older you care less what people say about you.
How good to know that the tragedy and triumph of seeking a new bathing suit is universally painful and hilarious.
I hope your world is beginning to brighten once again Greetje. Although new puppies are challenging they are also highly entertaining.
You said it, new puppies are challenging. This one is a piranha on legs. Difficult times.
Oh boy that is such a perfect description of puppy teething!! Ha Ha!
The breast as a speed bump thing is so true and so awful! It is impossible to find a swimsuit that works on me. I’m hoping that the company who makes some new bras I’m wearing do a good swimwear range as well, some without tropical flowers would be nice. xx
Hahaha, yes no tropical flowers please. Although one of my favourite Bikinies in the past had them. You check out your bra brand.