Just for a laugh

This fun article was sent to me by a friend. I have no idea who wrote it but it killed me laughing.

So I am posting it to get you laughing too. You don’t need to comment, just laugh (if it is your kind of humour). Illustrations with this story about bathing suits are kindly made by Anja (see her travel blog Curly Traveller).

Quote:
When I was a child in the 1950’s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, “Oh, there you are,” she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear  them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, “Material might become transparent in water.”

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I’m there too, I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You’d better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
Unquote

Hope you enjoyed it.
Greetje

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27 Comments

  1. 6 June 2013 / 19:51

    🙂 LOL But it seems a little exaggerated for a mature woman like you …

    • 6 June 2013 / 21:24

      You have understood right? I believe you do not look reflected in the article.

    • 6 June 2013 / 21:25

      Yes I understood your joke. And I hope you liked the story. The person who wrote it, has a way with words.

  2. Marianne van den Berg
    6 June 2013 / 21:01

    Thanks Greetje for the laughs, I so can relate to this. Anja made the right drawings to accompany the laughter.

  3. Happiness at Mid Life
    7 June 2013 / 05:18

    With a little one, we practically live in our community’s pool on the weekend. I HATE bathing suit shopping. I was still wearing bikinis but now feel a bit off wearing them so off I went hunting for a suit that flattered me. I ordered them online and tried them on at home so I would feel a little more comfortable. I found a tankini style that I hope will work. And why are swimsuits now $150+ range? It probably only cost $5 to make.Alice http://www.happinessatmidlife.com

    • 7 June 2013 / 08:34

      Well…. Let’s hope that the $ 150,- bathing suit was not made by poor children in a sweatshop. Which would probably be the case with the $ 5,- piece. Would not have thought you had any problem finding a bathing suit, but there you go…

  4. 7 June 2013 / 06:03

    So funny and I can related to every word and every suit!For me is loose shorts and a tee instead of cut-off jeans and a tee.Have a lovely weekend,

  5. 7 June 2013 / 12:14

    This is too funny. Shopping for swimsuits is my least favorite task.

    • 7 June 2013 / 12:27

      The light in those fitting rooms… You would think they would have adjusted that by now, but no, still very harsh light. Makes even a model look bad.

  6. 7 June 2013 / 15:29

    Hilarious! I’m laughing as I enjoy my morning coffee. I can always count on you for a touch of humor and it makes me happy that I have met you out here in the virtual world.

    • 7 June 2013 / 17:45

      Likewise Judith.And I see it as my reason for being to make as many people laugh as much as possible. Which in the meantime makes me laugh as well. What we call in the bullshit bingo: a win/win situation.

  7. 9 June 2013 / 09:11

    Such a FANTASTIC post. So true and so funny, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  8. 10 June 2013 / 09:46

    I am happy to read that I am not the only one to feel horribl e in a fitting room! Summer is on its way and my swimsuit is waiting for me. . .

  9. 11 June 2013 / 11:22

    So funny Greetje. I always wonder why they make the lights in those fitting rooms like the brightest, ugliest ever. It’s a wonder that people still end up buying stuff!

    • 11 June 2013 / 20:59

      Totally agree with you. You’d think those shops should have gotten the message by now.

  10. 19 June 2013 / 11:21

    I loved reading this..I too tried on bathing suits just last week. I turn away from the mirror, put on the suit then turn and go with my first response to the reveal…not a good idea! Too shocking…how did this 50 year old body change so quickly. But a sense of humor is worth it’s weight in gold and fortunately I have one!!

    • 19 June 2013 / 14:45

      I know exactly what you mean. You sound like my kind of woman. What a dull and sad world this would be if we didn’t have our sense of humour.

  11. 23 March 2014 / 21:40

    LOL. Loved this and the great illustrations. All too true.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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