Finding a bathing suit

Bathing suit 1MSpring is here again and many of us will go to the stores with a dangerous purpose: finding a bathing suit. With our white bodies in these dreadful fitting rooms. Being over 40 makes matters worse.

The text you are about to read is a fun article which was sent to me by a friend. I have no idea who wrote it but it killed me laughing. Actually I have published it before last year, but because it is so hilarious, I am posting it again. For those faithful readers who have seen it before, sorry… but I hope it will make you laugh once more. You don’t need to comment, just laugh (if it is your kind of humour). Illustrations were kindly made by Anja (see her travel blog Curly Traveller).

Quoting the writer of this fun story:

When I was a child in the 1950′s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.  

Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

Bathing suit 2MWhat choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, “Oh, there you are,” she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear  them.Bathing suit 3M

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, “Material might become transparent in water.”

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I’m there too, I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

Bathing suit 4M

You’d better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

Be strong ladies. And don’t give up. Suzanne of Suzanne Carillo Style Files had similar experiences as above and she found a beautiful bikini. Read her story (also very funny).

PS Have a look at Fernanda’s blog get together: Tres Chic Style Bits.

Très Chic Style Bits

No Fear of Fashion






  1. 23 March 2014 / 20:13

    Very good post, Greetje 🙂
    Not to forget the awkward light in the changing rooms which highlight a pale spring body.
    I think I’ll soon have to take on that challenge…

    Annette | Lady of Style

    • Greetje
      23 March 2014 / 20:54

      Luckily I don’t really need any bikini or bathing suit stuff anymore. But you probably do going back and forth to Portugal.

  2. Ann
    23 March 2014 / 22:10

    This is too fun and sadly so true! Gosh the torment of finding a suit. I’m sticking with the one I’ve had forever, pull on the skirt and call it a day. I was out at the Mall of America, the biggest indoor mall in the US, looking at spring dresses today. It was almost as difficult as looking for a swim suit! I can’t believe designers aren’t thinking more about the over 40 crowd.

    blue hue wonderland

    • Greetje
      24 March 2014 / 21:28

      I hear your heart-felt comment and I agree. But sometimes it just happens… a week later you are in a shop and you can buy nearly everything cause it is all good. Don’t give up yet.

  3. 24 March 2014 / 02:06

    Still a funny story and great drawing by Anja. I still prefer the bikini. They are easier to fit!

    • Greetje
      24 March 2014 / 21:41

      I agree with you, but fortunately I never use a bikini or a bathing suit anymore. I am never on the beach.

    • Greetje
      24 March 2014 / 22:01

      yes I know… sigh

  4. 24 March 2014 / 10:24

    I can remember this post , but it is very hilarious indeed, so I enjoyed to read it again!
    I prefer not to think yet of what to wear as a bathing suit this year… but I wouldn’t like to be dressed like an hippopotamus.!

    • Greetje
      25 March 2014 / 07:34

      You looked very good in your bathing suit last year. I remember the holiday photos. So if you don’t find a new one, you can still wear that one. No problem.

  5. 24 March 2014 / 10:28

    This is hilarious! I love that NASA sling shot bit, LOL! I hate bathing suit shopping, so when I found something I like, I’d buy a few. Halter neck with wire support is a must and for the bottom I like by backside to be fully covered but not looking like a I have some sort of droopy a**! Just talking about it is stressful..

    Mrs Jack Of All Trades

    • Greetje
      25 March 2014 / 07:36

      Hahaha… your comment is very funny as well.
      I thought the author of this funny story is very good. Wouldn’t mind reading a book she might have written. No idea who she is.

  6. josep-maria
    24 March 2014 / 20:02

    Greetje, the text can be funny, if read without prejudice, but, in my opinion, is a total exaggeration in your case. I do not think it’s that hard for you to find a nice swimsuit.

    • Greetje
      25 March 2014 / 07:38

      You charming man, thank you. And indeed I don’t have many problems in this area but I do know the terrible experience of a white body in a fitting room with bad, harsh light.

  7. 25 March 2014 / 01:07

    Thanks for the laugh today, this article is priceless. Many of my friends will love it. As you know, I still wear swimsuits all the time (having a pool out my back door) and I even have an annual girlfriend’s poolside tea party. We just decide not to care about the body issues and have a good ole time.

    • Greetje
      25 March 2014 / 07:40

      Ah… but I bet you look very good in a bathing suit. You didn’t exercise for nothing. And I am glad I have made you laugh. My mission in life.

    • Greetje
      25 March 2014 / 07:42

      Hope you enjoyed this funny story though.

  8. 25 March 2014 / 23:26

    Yikes! Haven’t worn a bathing suit in years. Now I understand why!

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 16:24

      And such good illustrations!!

  9. 26 March 2014 / 17:38

    What a great and funny article Greetje!!!
    And Anja’s draws, so cute 🙂
    Hope everything is well with you dear, sorry my absence. I think of you lots of times but you know…. too much pressure…..
    Thank you so much for linking with Très Chic Style Bits
    Love your way

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 19:01

      I have the same doubts and worries about blogging nowadays as you have. Thinking of lowering my involvement as I cannot really keep up with blogging and commenting on other blogs without ruining my personal life.

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 19:03

      At least you can order them online and try them on in normal light in a normal room. I take it you found one then.

      • LoriM
        27 March 2014 / 20:19

        Yes, I’ve bought several, over the years. You can mix and match them by tops and bottoms. Gorgeous colors and patterns and good quality, too. I got the print catalog yesterday! Unfortunately I don’t NEED a new one! 🙁

        • Greetje
          28 March 2014 / 05:51

          How about that! A positive sound over bathing suits!

  10. Elle
    27 March 2014 / 06:31

    This was hilarious Greetje! II am so glad you shared this, disappearing boobs and all, I laughed my head off!!
    I agree buying bathing suits is horrible , I buy them online!
    XX, Elle

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 19:05

      When I found that story again I could not resist publishing it again. It is so funny. Hope you find / found a nice bathing suit or bikini online. LoriM (in the comment above you) recommends Lands End.

  11. Nanne
    27 March 2014 / 10:19

    Hahaha, hilarious! I’m not going anywhere where I need a bathing suit this year so I don’t have to worry 🙂 Like Elle I prefer buying them online and trying them on in the privacy of my own home.

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 19:07

      I can so understand that Nanne. I am not going anywhere this year where I need a bathing suit either. No problems with this subject.

    • Greetje
      27 March 2014 / 19:09

      There is one for everyone. It just needs a lot of endurance. LoriM (a few comments earlier) recommends Lands End (order them online).

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