WARNING
This post will be about emotions first and outfits later. You can choose to skip the emotional part.
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Usually I am quite content with myself. I think I am an honest person with decent values and moral. Yes, with flaws but no biggies. All in all: content. And then two events threw me.
My colleague remembering our first meeting
As I am going to retire soon, the conversations in the office are often about the past. Last week I met a colleague with whom I haven’t worked much the past 10 years but have done in the years before. He said: “What do I hear? You are going to leave the company? Retirement?… Gosh I can still remember the first time I met you….” I was immediately on alert as usually first meetings with me tend to upset people.
He continued: “I turned up for a project meeting you were heading and you asked me who I was. When I stated my name, said that I was new to the company and explained the role I was going to fulfil in the project, you replied: “Oh no… this is a very difficult project with too little time to do it. I don’t want you on the project, I want <name senior person>. She is familiar with the work and can move quicker.”
Aiiii… that was not very polite or friendly of me. Although I was right in my assessment (I stand by that) I could have handled that much, much better. We Dutch are the only people who are so very direct / honest, to the point of being blunt and rude. But that is the opinion of other people than the Dutch. The Dutch are fine with it. Nevertheless, this approach of mine really crossed the line, even for a Dutch person.
My friend’s reminiscences
Then last week my friend Marjolein and I got to talk about the different ways people act/react. The reason for this subject was her performance in a theatre as a member of a dance group (two weekends). They had rehearsed for 4 months and Marjolein was rightfully proud. I didn’t go to her performance. Dance is not my thing and I weighed my reluctance to go against the loyalty to my friend. In the end I phoned her, explained and said I was interested in seeing the video afterwards, but I wasn’t going to come. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Is that a nice thing to do to a friend? No, it is not and I am aware of it.
Friends know I am not a thoughtful person. Not at all even (big flaw). When I am at a birthday party I can easily forget to congratulate the birthday boy/girl. When it is my husband’s birthday I have to put notes all over the house the night before as otherwise I will forget to congratulate him on the day. Or worse, I might totally forget it is his birthday. And I always forget our wedding anniversary; Ron never does. (Remember the story when Ron had bought me 22 red roses for our anniversary and I had no idea why?)
My mother is exactly the same, it is hereditary. We are a strange family anyway. Take the time I was graduating from secondary school. My father asked me: “Is it going to take long?” I knew it was going to take several hours and told him so. I also said it would probably be better if he went fishing, which he did. Some people might be totally upset by this, but I was grateful he did go fishing and didn’t have to suffer through all the waiting hours (not his thing). My mother could stand this much better. Strange family.
So far the flaw of not being thoughtful is not that bad. However, this flaw manifests itself on many occasions. Talking to Marjolein I realized I can totally forget really important stuff friends tell me about their life or about their health. That is not at all nice.
To add insult to injury, we were going back in time and she reminded me of the tantrums I used to throw when we were in our twenties. For instance: were the boots no good with the outfit I wanted to wear that night? I would throw them across the room and get as angry as Donald Duck. She always put up with it, the poor dear. Thank goodness, I have finally overcome these temper attacks, although very late in life I have to add.
Marjolein didn’t remind me of these things because she doesn’t like me. It just came up in our conversation.
On the bright side: I must also have good sides to my character as my colleague from the first anecdote likes me a lot. He says he really likes and appreciates my clarity (once he got used to it, no doubt). And Marjolein is my friend now for 45 years. But these stories made me realize, I am not the lovable person I sometimes think I am. Just so you know.
It doesn’t happen too often that you get a mirror held up to you, causing you to do some soul searching. I had to share it with you.
Over to nicer things
It was supposed to be a dry Saturday when I set out to meet my friend Peggy in The Hague. Well, it wasn’t. It was a cold, miserable day with lots of rain and wind. We had arranged to meet at a coffee specialty place near the water called Capriole Café. It took us quite a while to get there as the main road to it was totally blocked (from one side). In the end we parked our car and walked for 5 minutes, clinging the umbrella. It was worth it though. Their cappuccino was superb.
Below: As I knew I wasn’t going to walk much, I put on my high heeled IRO boots, a pair of black trousers and this cream Sportmax dress which you have seen before (here and here). I am too tall to wear it as a dress.
Below: Peggy, leaning on bags full of coffee beans. The poster above her head looks a bit strange but it is a nice photo of her.
Below: I sat on the coffee bean bags.
Below: In the sale of Essentiel Antwerp I found this modern brooch. Ron says I cannot wear a bird that is shot with an arrow. I told him that the arrow missed him.
Below: Close-up of Peggy’s earring.
Peggy and I caught up with each other’s life and enjoyed the fabulous cappuccinos. She went off to see her parents and I drove to a jeweller shop where they sell second-hand watches of fine brands. I have had my heart set on a particular watch for 4 years now, checking an app on my smartphone offering such second-hand watches. Finally I saw one that was right in wear and tear (very little to none) and right in price (affordable for me). I specifically chose a vendor with a shop in the Netherlands as I wanted to check out the watch in real life and not “pay first and check later”. Hence, the jeweller shop in The Hague. I am fulfilling my expensive dreams before retiring. The watch was everything I wanted so I bought it.
My friend Marjolein lives 4 minutes down the road from the jeweller shop, so her house was my next stop. Took me longer to find a parking space than to drive to her house. Crowded on a Saturday.
Below: Marjolein, dressed in her favourite colour (purple). The photo is taken indoors against the light, with flashlight, so apologies for the bad quality of the photo.
Below: Marjolein had bought a second-hand ring with many different coloured stones (ladybird on a flower?) and uses it to tie her scarf. Beautiful and clever.
What happened in my life this week
Saturday: that is already told above in the post.
Sunday: chilling indoors. Haven’t been outside the house as there was a storm raging the country. We kept all the windows closed and I looked in fear at our summer magnolia tree which still has leaves. (It was fine.)
Then we heard a crash: a tile had fallen from our neighbour’s roof onto the car roof of another neighbour. Crashed right through it. Annoying of course, but the liability insurance of the “tile neighbour” will cover it. (Nearly everybody in the Netherlands has at least a liability insurance.) No further incidents so I went on with my blog and doing laundry etc.
Monday: normal workday; easy for me as I do not have real tasks anymore. When we had a meeting about a project where my successor and I were both present, I couldn’t help myself and gave my two cents. Fitness in the evening and my knee was a teeny weeny bit better. Still hoping to heal completely.
Tuesday: again a normal day at work with some small tasks. I did however, “resign” from the team I am working in. The Monday meeting taught me it is time to pass the baton to my successor. I am now breaking in another new colleague.
As I only have 6 more weeks to go at the office, I want to look my best. From my Outfit Gallery (top navigation of this blog) I have selected the outfits which I really love to wear these last weeks. Below the outfit I was wearing Tuesday (cream with brown). This photo was taken in the evening, therefore very grainy. If you want a better look at it, click through to the blogpost about this cream pleated skirt.
Of course I do not walk around like this at home. Not with a dog. Not with high heels. The minute I walk through the door, I’ll go straight upstairs and change. Like in this stretchy pair of jeans with big socks:
Wednesday: have had a terrible night with very little sleep and a great big headache. It was really necessary to stay in bed, so no fitness this day. By noon I was feeling a bit better and kept my dentist appointment. Nothing much to tell about this day.
Thursday: the headache was back. Bummer. Went to work later after the pain was gone. Had a nice day at work. Easy. No big events.
Friday: worked from home. Did some shopping in the afternoon as it wasn’t raining then and it would be on Saturday. Another storm is approaching. Not nice as I have to go to the hairdresser on Saturday and I have a photo shoot planned with Loes. We will see. This is what I was wearing on Friday.
And to demonstrate the difference in thoughtfulness, the photo below. My husband bought me Valentine’s flowers while I just told him “you are my Valentine” in the morning. Saying that was already a big improvement as normally I wouldn’t think of Valentine’s day at all.
Below: livingroom with Watson who fetched the Saturday paper. Bit of a blurry photo but dogs move a lot.
Greetje
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I’ve thought long and hard about commenting … I’m just going to quote Suzanne Sugarbaker:
“Bad manners are worse than no money.”
Where I come from, the American South, “That’s just the way I am” is no excuse for being rude.
I respect your opinion Ainsley and I am glad you are honest with me. I know that this is how to it is perceived by many others and that is why I want to better myself. It is just not a matter of bad manners or intentionally wanting to hurt people or friends. It is partly a cultural difference and partly a character flaw on my side. Let’s say that acknowledgement is the first step to improvement.
You are thoughtful in so many ways Greetje. And those who know and love you know that everything you say comes from integrity and honesty and care. For me personally, that’s priceless. And so much more important then a quick postcard on a birthday…. Love this outfit! Will feature it one of my upcoming popular posts 🙂
Thank you Sylvia, that is sweet of you.
I am surprised you like this outfit so much but I am thankful if you feature me, you know that.
This is a really interesting post Greetje. We try to put our “best face forward” when dealing with other people, but it can be difficult if you are someone who is very direct in their conversation. My best friend has often said that I am like one of those candies with a hard, crunchy exterior and a soft squishy middle. I have been told I am very direct, and not afraid to share my opinion when I disagree with something so I am always trying to be conscious of not hurting the feelings of the person I am speaking with. Shelley
I would be conscious if I was aware of what I was doing/saying. But the words are said before they reach my brain. And my brain has a mind of its own (pun intended)anyway: it decides for itself what to remember and what not. After this wake-up call I really am more alert. When friends tell me stuff I should remember, I sort of say to my brain: “now, store this in a place where I have easy access to”. It sounds very silly. I struggle with it.
Greetje
I can be a rather blunt person too, Greetje (I know there is Dutch in the family!), and I’ve hurt people’s feelings when I’ve spoken without thinking in the past. I’ve had to remind myself to think before I speak, and really listen to people. “It’s not about you, Sheila” is a frequent refrain in my head. Although, I think that is party why you and I got along well when we met in Vancouver! I do like people who don’t dissemble or have guile. I like plain speaking and saying what you mean, but we do have to think about others’ feelings, don’t we? You’re very brave to share this – many bloggers (myself included) tend to hide our real selves and feelings from our readers.
I love seeing that Max Mara skirt again – it’s so lovely. Does it feel weird to be retiring soon? What will you do with all your time? Drive Ron crazy? ;-P Lovely flowers – L and I exchanged “I love you because” emails and that’s it. No chocolate or flowers (Vizzini eats them anyway). It’s okay to be that way, IMO.
I agree our way of speaking (our minds) must have had something to do with why we like each other. The majority of my friends are like that. But I also agree it does not discharge us from thinking about other people’s feelings.
As for being brave.. I am not. I am just very open and extravert. And I do not care that much about what people think. I happily bounce around the world. Of course I can be hurt, but this time I hurt myself. Not remembering really important stuff about friends is bad. Also in my book. Anyway I pledge to do better.
Retirement? I have no idea. Ron is afraid I will be cramming his lifestyle haha. I will work something out, I am sure.
Gretje
This article was in a fashion magazine
It sums up my thoughts exactly
How about yours ?
Which article Jen?
It took me two days to find the words to comment in (probably in a bad) English your post about emotions! It was very interesting and made me reflect …
Sensitive people can be hurted by too “honest” words and so, empathise is sometimes a way to be kind and take into account other’s sensibility
Of course noone is perfect and those who love us appreciate the good sides of our personality and don’t take too seriously the bad ones.
You are right, we have talked about this often. I do try to be empathetic but my nature and being Dutch often gets in the way. Fortunately, as you say, friends also see my good sides and forgive me the bad sides. Which doesn’t discharge me from being nicer, more thoughtful. At least they know I never say the things I say or do the things I do to hurt them. Far from it. I never want to hurt anyone.
I think it’s better to be honest then everyone knows where they stand. I love your bird brooch, it’s very unusual. I bet you’re looking forward to retirement – my husband can’t wait and he’s 52… he’s got a few years of work left yet! Hope you soon feel better.
Emma XXX
http://www.style-splash.com
That is an unusual point of view for an English woman. Most English are not (brutally) honest in my opinion. In the office we used to have a paper stating: “This is what the English say”, followed by: “This is what the Dutch hear” and then: “This is what the English really mean by it”, haha.
It is nice to read you appreciate it.
I am always on the look-out for modern jewellery. Antique jewellery have my big love but when you grew older, they make you look older than when you wear modern jewellery (IMHO).
I am looking forward to retirement but I am also looking for (an)other job(s). Sitting at home all the time isn’t for me. And I want to interact and laugh with people as I do with my colleagues now.
Greetje
Hi Greetje. We could be sisters in our way of speaking. One friend said she always knew where she stood with me, hmmm. I too sometimes don’t like the way I am but at this stage in life have decided all I can do is rec0gnize and change. Self forgiveness is the key. I am really writing to tell you I just broke my wrist wearing socks on my hardwood floors. Slippers are now my go to. Enjoy your blog and I want to see your country sometime. Mary in Colorado
I know what you means with “hmmm” haha. Like you I don’t think I can change a lot anymore but that doesn’t discharge me from trying.
Sorry to hear you broke your wrist. That is nasty and will take a long time I guess.
50% of all accidents happen in and around the house. Even slippers sound dangerous to me. I always wear soft (fabric) flats with a rubber sole on my wooden floors.
Greetje
I’m also quite blunt, but I take a moment to stop and consider my audience, and if they can handle my scandal 🙂 or not. I’ve always worked in a men-only work environment, and they never minded my directness. Neither did the Dutch when I lived in Holland, haha. Most of my friends appreciate it– they know they’ll get a very honest answer out of me. I think you’re much the same. Anyone who knows you KNOWS that you would never mean to be intentionally hurtful. Still, the self reflection is good, for ALL of us. I adore your brooch and the shirt, what a fabulous combination. xxx
When I am with friends I usually don’t think about “my audience” as I feel so safe. You are right in saying that I would never mean to be intentionally hurtful. But that doesn’t mean that I do sometimes hurt people. The self reflection makes me stop and reconsider again. You are never too old to change your ways.
I think most of my friends, if not all, are very direct themselves. My friend Daniela in Italy is the exception to the rule. She doesn’t believe in being too honest and I get what she means. At the same time she is very open and honest about herself.
You are very honest as well and I can imagine you did well in Holland haha. So yes, I am much the same.
Thank you for your compliments about the dress and brooch. You must mean it otherwise you wouldn’t say so. Right?
Dearest Greetje, I’d like to think that you and I will meet up one day as I fancy I am a very similar person to you regarding straight talking. I too can be quite blunt and when I’m with friends I work very hard at saying nice things to them as I know my default setting can sometimes be too harsh. The only saving grace about me is that I’m the most harsh with myself. Saying the worst thing about myself maybe saves me from hurt from others. I come from a very strange family too! Anyway, are you looking forward to your retirement? I can’t imagine not working,, but somehow think you will have lots to fill your life, not least keeping up with your blog. Hope that you’re feeling better and that the headaches drift away. Take care, Anna xxx
I do hope we will meet in the nearby future. Glad to hear I am not the only one with these flaws. Only I disagree on being harsh on yourself. That is not good. It hurts the people who like you, who are your friends. Because for them it is the same as if a stranger puts you down.
I am looking forward to my retirement but I am looking for another job. Less hours, less stress but some structure, fun, and a catwalk for showing my clothes haha
Once again, you make those jeans rock. And, Marjolein’s pin…a peacock?
Thanks. I am a jeans girl at heart. I will ask Marjolein what her brooch is about. No idea.
Greetje
Marjolein agrees with you: a peacock.
Greetje, I’ve always appreciated your directness, and I can relate, as I’ve often been told I’m too blunt (especially in the corporate setting). It’s not out of ill will, I just tend to “blurt” as my friend Lisa says. It’s like a horse with blinders…I see where I want to go, and bolt for it. But yes, it can be hurtful to some people, and I’ve tried to be mindful of that.
I really like the collar of that top/dress. It’s the perfect backdrop for a fun brooch. And your friends are doing some fabulous color coordination there.
Perhaps that is why we get on so well. You recognize the directness and aren’t offended by it. I sometimes say when I have spontaneously commented, that it hadn’t reached my brain yet.
The dress is an oldie but goodie although I cannot wear it as a dress (which was the intention at the time). My friends… ah my friends… where would I be without them?
I bet there are stories galore like this about me too. While I try hard to be kind and nice, I tend to say the first thing that pops in my head. Granted, I’ve gotten better over the years, but how boring it would be to be perfect (actually it’s impossible, right?).
You make us all feel better just by admitting this. We should all have a confession today!! Mine would include the fact, of how many times I say to my mom or husband “Are you wearing that?” LOL!!
As for the showcased outfit. I just LOVE the idea of the pin on that sweater. Because of the neck detail, you wouldn’t wear a necklace or scarf, yet the pin adds that pizzazz that I’m always looking for!! Bravo Greetje!!
XOOX
Jodie
Thanks Jodie. I agree that a scarf or a necklace is too much for this dress. The brooch is a sales purchase and indeed it works.
As for the confessions… it is good when friends hold up a mirror to your reflection. It might lead to improvement.
Sweet of you to stop by. I know I don’t go to your blog very often and I am sorry for that. (Another confession… sigh.)
It’s life Greetje!! Heck, you’re still working everyday (although this too shall pass, haha). We can only do so much. And regret is terrible to hang around our necks!!!
Have a fabulous Sunday,
XOXO
mwah.